Warning: this is going to be a lengthy venting post with some soul searching from me. Not knitting related.
The beginning of the new year has been difficult for me. Not that anything happened, surprisingly we are both healthy (finally!), the Boyfriend is back home and things are just fine. But emotionally I’ve been struggling and my mood is very far from good.
I think it’s caused by a few different factors combined. Surely my poor health last year has contributed: when I look back I can see that in fact I’ve been feeling sick since my visit to Poland in April. I’d had a cold there which had triggered other chronic issues, and then like a real snowball effect one thing has followed another. Not being able to do much outside of home, cancelling plans all the time and feeling weak and fatigued for months definitely doesn’t help me stay positive.
But that’s just one thing. I’m also trying to figure out where to go next when it comes to my professional situation. My contract is about to end in the coming months, and nothing is certain yet – a new tender has been published recently, and whichever company wins, might want to sign a new contract with me or already have their own contractors. More important though is that I’m really not even sure if I want to work the same way again. I think the best option would be to renew the contract with better conditions, but take on less work next year, and find a part time job in Dublin. I’m not really sure how realistic that is though… so my plan for the coming weeks is to update my CVs, and look carefully into all the options. I’m not feeling very confident to be honest and the idea of job search scares me. I know it’s never easy but I’m feeling much more vulnerable and uncertain of anything these days than I do normally so it seems like a real challenge.
And over a week ago I received my Christmas gift from my friend. She made a mistake in the address so it took some time for the parcel to be delivered to me, which is why it arrived after Christmas. I don’t know why it made me feel this way but I’ve been so much worse since receiving it. It’s not my friend’s fault of course. She was very thoughtful with her gift, and it was so wonderful to get it. But she added a small box with some makeup items in it, bought in a store where we used to go often, and we always had a good time just trying to pick something for ourselves there, comparing colours of nail polish or eye shadows and looking for the free samples. I don’t know why it had such an effect on me, but all of a sudden I thought that we’re never going to do it again and how much I miss my friend and that nothing makes sense anymore. It’s not really true, most of the time I am confident with life, being in Ireland, with my Boyfriend and our cats. But being a migrant can be challenging and difficult and at times like that the pessimistic thoughts are too overwhelming to focus on the good things.
And then an old friend (someone I haven’t heard from for a couple of years) sent me an email. I was really happy to hear from her – she is Portuguese but we have so much in common, similar views and ideas, and even professionally we are in similar fields (to the point that in fact she wrote to ask if I’d like to co-author a research paper with her, which is always a great opportunity for someone who needs to update a CV!). Well, we started talking and she asked about my long term plans, which made me realise that I don’t really see myself ever coming back to Poland, and made me face all the complicated feelings I have about my country. Not pleasant thoughts at all! The political situation in Poland is terrible, but for me what really makes it so bad is how the current government and everything they approve and support brought out the worst in many people. There are days when I’m really scared for my family and friends back in my country. And while I love Poland, it’s nature, landscapes, beautiful cities, food, culture and history – I don’t feel well there anymore. So again, nothing changed in my situation but all of a sudden I felt like a displaced person who hasn’t yet figured out where she belongs.
I’ve already written a lot so I’ll spare you from all the other topics that have been on my mind these days 😉 Well, we talked about the future with the Boyfriend (result: he actually wants to apply for citizenship and I think I’d like to do that too, although I still have to wait 2 years) and I had an “emergency meeting” with my Dublin-based migrant friends who understand all the feelings I’m dealing with (result: too many ideas to write here, and more girls nights out planned for the coming week). That helped a lot!
And as you may see on the photos in this post, we managed to go to the Wexford County for the weekend finally, and it was so awesome! The weather hesitated between bad and terrible, so we’ve only seen a few places and spent the rest of the time relaxing in the swimming pool, sauna and the hotel pub. Our cats survived the weekend without their carers (and I survived the weekend without my cats, which is an achievement!) and I only wish we could stay longer. Which we hopefully will when the Boyfriend’s current work project ends and he can take a few days off.
Last but not least, I knitted another dog jumper using the same yarn as previously.
I didn’t have much left so I made it small, and it fits Ciri perfectly. But she still refuses to wear it so it’s going to be donated to the auction, which is really why I made it in the first place 🙂 Pattern and yarn used here.
I hope I managed to end this post on a little more optimistic note than it started. I’m giving myself a few more days of just being good for myself and doing only the things I want. And then it will be time to do the things I need to do, hopefully with my batteries charged again. The ultimate goal is for the things I want and the things I need to be the same 🙂